Val's Journal
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Monday, June 1, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
2:14AM - vag tease/ sexual tension part II
So I'm not a failure and Rodrigo called me last Tuesday. We tried to meet up and hang out but a series of events happened and we never got to meet up. Apparently he almost got into a fight and had to go home from the bar that night. Then a few days later he texts me at 3am, which means booty call right? So I call him and he doesn't answer or text back. vag tease. ughhhhhhhh. Now he messages me on fb saying he's back in Monterrey but misses me. what the crap? i've never been teased so much. i don't even know if he's gonna be there all summer. he better not cuz i can't wait that long.
Scotty is back from Lubbock for the summer. For some reason he's acting like he's always acted around me which was different from this past winter where he was awkward. This time around I act awkward and he seems to be acting normal. Maybe I shouldn't have done him.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
2:54PM
i feel like a loser because I'm really excited for Tuesday. What happens on Tues? Finals are over, which means maybe Rodrigo will talk to me. I feel so stupid because i'm pretty sure he won't call. Its like i've become that dumb girl who's obsessed with a boy that wants nothing to do with her. While I understand that he has 5 finals and is busy I don't think I'll ever talk to him again. I texted and messaged him, but there's been nothing made out of it. I always kind of had that hint of sexuality to my messages too, like I just wanted to hook up and in the end not even that elicited a response. I failed at making a guy want to have sex with me. Could I be even more of a failure?!? I thought i was good at that. I thought i was good at making guys want to have sex with me, not to have a genuine, real relationship (cuz that's too much to ask for) but they were always up for some sex. Now I've failed at that too.
Are there any other ways to be jaded in love? Because if there are I'm pretty sure I'd be good at those too. how could i suck this much? honestly. Every time I get a text I hope it's from him, every time my email box loads I hope he's sent something, and every time I check these there's nothing.
how do you just make love with someone and never talk to them again???
Current mood: 
discontent
Saturday, May 16, 2009
2:10AM - sexual tension
with Thibaud is unbearable. O.M.G.
So this new French guy moved into the house about 2 weeks ago. Get this, he moved to Austin for the summer so that he could hang out with his girlfriend who has lived in austin for about 6 months. She's kinda awkward and possessive, but once you befriend her she's pretty cool. He's rooming with Ana (yeah a girl), whom he was friends with before but they're probably not more than that. So you would think he really cares for his gf bc he moved here for her after all. He genuinely seems like he does, but he's such a flirt. He pretty much melts all the girls' hearts in the house. We all want him. Like when his gf isnt around we all adore him. It's quite pathetic. Like none of us want to be a homewrecker, but holy shit is it hard to hold back from his sex vibes. Like today, he made me feed him a quesadilla, and of course I did like a whore would. But i'm not really a whore, I just act like one.
I've had a thing for french guys ever since Thomas and Bastien. It's like the accent, mixed with the sharp wit, mixed with the sarcasm. Of course they are all very charming and I'm sooooo fucking hooked. I told Thibaud about my menage a trois with Thomas and Bastien and he thanked me for "showing the french people what america is really like." Maybe i went to far, but now i think he has this idea about my fetish for french men.
Let's just say it's going to be an interesting summer, especially since I'm taking french classes and he's promised to help me.
This is him with Ana. Not that great of a picture, but I'll post more as I get some.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
2:08AM - sometimes we rock and roll, sometimes we stay home and it's just fine
this heart's on fire.
spent upwards of $700 yesterday between tuition and a passport. i'm doing pretty good though. i need to save a bit more money.
didn't do shit at work today. internet surfed. looked up jobs. i've realized that i'm scared to work in a city that i don't think is interesting. like a saw a potentially good job, but it was in some boring town in Ohio and i immediately said fuck that. it's either L.A., NY, DC, San Fran, New Orleans, anywhere near a beach, anywhere in California and maybe Florida. Otherwise I'm not leaving Austin. I think I'd also be fine with leaving the country to work anywhere. I don't know why I'm scared about boring US towns though, I think Uvalde has scarred me.
i need to go to bed or i'm not gonna wake up in time for work. night.
Current music: wolf parade
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
10:02PM - Dos gardenias para ti
I had a meeting with my old professor today, she's going to write me a letter of recommendation. Man talking with her was amazing! She was really helpful and I think she's gonna write exactly what I need her to say without me having to tell her.
In other news, Rodrigo and I hung out last night since the first time since our one night stand. Surprisingly, he's more dreamy when I'm sober. He really is my dream boy- he's kinda nerdy, foreign, passionate, and he happens to be gorgeous. I'm just waiting for the big flaw somewhere, but usama says just to enjoy it all right now.
Sophie says I love like a girl and I think she's right. No matter how much of a tom boy I am, i'm inherently and emotionally a girl. Sophie is all about loving and fucking like a man. And not in the sense that she wears a strap on even though we joked her up about that one, but in the sense that she'll act like most men do when they fuck and not give a shit afterwards. Well I can't, not with Rodrigo anyway, he's just amazing at what he does.
His friend found my glasses and that's why I went over to his place again. We ended up chatting for about 20 min then he came and sat by me and started talking about how i had nice legs. Then feeling up on them and then well you know... His brother (who doesn't look like him at all) was in town visting so he ended up cock blocking when he arrived back at his place. I want to see him again, but I don't know how. In fact I've been asking everyone for advice for every interaction I have with him, it's so fucking lame, but I would bomb if I didn't have help.
Current mood: 
accomplished
Current music: buena vista
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
1:42AM
i've been a real fuck up lately.
Things I lost/broke this weekend:
glasses
ipod
phone
self-control
Then today I missed my meeting with Professor Redmond for a recommendation letter because I straight up forgot. I woke up at noon and realized I was supposed to meet her at 10. I emailed her and she didn't seem to mind all that much, but I still felt horrible.
Anyway bought a new phone, as it turns out i jumped into a pool with my old one. Found my ipod in Sophie's purse. Wearing my old glasses with the one scratched lens that gives me a headache after hours of wear.
As for self-control, I can't say I regret losing that. I'm still thinking about him. I felt that we clicked, but for some reason I don't think we'll ever meet again. I mean wouldn't he be trying to look for me if he felt that we clicked too? Maybe he just likes the anonymity, maybe he doesn't get it cuz he's foreign, or maybe he doesn't get it because he was a nerd boy. I planted the seeds though, Ana knows what happened and she said she ask him about me. Who knows? maybe it'll go somewhere and if it doesn't, well it was one hell of an experience. Gd he was so hot.
I also called Brian out on ditching me during Easter. I said something to the likes of "you've always been really good at disappointing me." Then I wondered why i even wanted to start this fight...i don't, and i don't care anymore, in fact I haven't cared for years. I think i did it because I guess i'm bitter (after all these years) that i never got what i deserved- legitimacy. I still can't say, with certainty, that he was my boyfriend and that kinda pissed me off.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
2:37AM - hold me closer tiny dancer
kept singing that song today. i guess it was just an elton john kind of day.
anyway i just bought the awesomest shirt, and i think it would make a great tattoo. Yay or nay?
I went to the faint and ladytron after show at the Beauty Bar. They just played dj sets, which were pretty awesome. The Faint guy was retarded hot. So hot that I couldn't talk to him even though we made eye contact a few times and he was like 4 steps away from me. I hate when I get all lame and can't talk to hot guys. I think he was married, he was wearing a ring at least. boo.
Friday, April 17, 2009
3:33PM - Asher is visiting from Canada
and is sleeping at an arms reach away. i just want to crawl into his arms right now and sleep too... that might be weird for him though.
sigh
Thursday, April 9, 2009
10:53PM
if Copeland and I ever had a theme song to our relationship it would be this
https://webspace.utexas.edu/vam278/14%20Something%20About%20Us%20%28Love%20Theme%20From%20Interstella%205555%29%201.mp3
It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you
I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life
On Tuesday Zack, Roxi, Copeland and I went to the Ratatat show. It was the first time I had actually hung out with Roxi and Copeland since they've been going out, I thought it would be awkward but it really wasn't. I'm talking to him on aim now, because he's been wanting to talk a lot lately. I don't really get it. I've always wondered what would have happened if I would have just kissed him that night instead of trying to lure him to my room and failing. Would I have won?
He's going out with Roxi now and at least 3 different people have told me that they've lost respect for her because she's dating him. I don't really get that part-probably b/c i've always liked him.
I don't think I would even want to date him if they broke up cuz i don't want to be "that" girl. I wouldn't be comfortable wanting him now either because i don't want to be a homewrecker.
I guess I just miss the way he made me feel. Now that he's been talking to me more frequently it kinda brings it back. We just keep getting caught in times where we can't be together. Like when he was dating Brittany and now Roxi, and i was dating J-Ro, and then there was the whole part where I was his manager, it just never seems like we can be together. Next time he'll be single, I'll probably be in Africa.
He sent me this song too. I've found that the best way to disassociate songs with boys is to make another association with a different boy to it, but then that just might make you a ho.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
3:17AM
i don't know what it is about fiddles that makes me sad. not so much violins, but fiddles for sure. maybe it's cuz they're always in sad country songs. they also make me wish i was driving home or cruisin around uvalde with boys.
i love brady, he's their fiddler
https://webspace.utexas.edu/vam278/07%20In%20My%20Arms%20Instead.m4a
Current music: Randy Rogers Band
Friday, April 3, 2009
12:27AM
ugh.... too much talking about my life today and where it's gonna go. I still don't know. So many paths. Nigel always says this quote about all the paths you've taken in your life and how they have led you to where you are today, and somehow there's currently a million in front of me.
I've decided that i'm still going to push forward with the Peace Corps. Why? because I feel like out of all the things i want to do this one is definitely certain. In reality, it's the only thing I have a feasible shot at.
I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to fight for everything I want in life from here on out. Like law school, grad school, a good job, a good boyfriend, I'm gonna really have to prove myself because all these years of succeeding with little effort have ended about 5 years ago and I'm just now realizing it.
Anyway I'm exhausted with this subject and I just have to pick it up all over again tomorrow. I need to talk to the coordinator at the volunteer clinic. She's an ex-PC volunteer and she might be able to help me out with the experience I need for my application.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
8:49PM - yay for productivity
i'm surprised at how completely useless and lame I can be for a period of time and then at other times I'm super productive. Like today I did the following:
-woke up before my 8:30 alarm
-actually ate breakfast for a change
-opened up at work entirely by myself in 15 minutes
-sucessfully fired a lazy employee
-completed all my manager training tests
-closed up at work by myself in 30 minutes
-made it home on time to have dinner ready for 25 people in less than 45 min
-asked for a letter recommendation from a professor I had last semester
-asked for volunteer oppourtunities
-and now i'm going grocery shopping
Current mood: 
productive
Thursday, March 26, 2009
1:07AM
not a good day
the 2nd pc recruiter basically (in a lot more words) told me i was stupid
said my major was easy and that my grades were low for my major
who the fuck does she think she is?
then she just kinda giggled it off while i sat at the other end of the phone in tears
BITCH DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME
i would've appreciated it if she had not laughed it off FUCK YOU BITCH
i spent my entire freshman year beating myself up for my bad grades, in fact my motto that year was "I'M NOT FUCKEN STUPID" because i'd have to say that every time i got a test back SHE HAS NO FUCKEN IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO TAKE O-CHEM AND HAVE 2 GODDAMNED JOBS SIMULTANEOUSLY
my gpa isn't completely hopeless either dumb bitch
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she didn't completely reject my application because she's a dumb fucken bitch and she doesn't have that kind of power, but i have a lot of work to do
Monday, March 23, 2009
4:06PM - i must have listened to this song a thousand times already
album comes out tomorrow, but of course i hate waiting so i bought it today
this song is pretty fucked up, like something from a Hans Christian Andersen or Edgar Allan Poe story, which means i love it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULSKZ7IP930
I had entered into a marriage
In the summer of my twenty-first year
And the bells rang for our wedding
Only now do I remember it clear
Alright, alright, alright
No more a rake and no more a bachelor
I was wedded and it whetted my thirst
Until her womb start spilling out babies
Only then did I reckon my curse
Alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright
First came Isaiah with his crinkled little fingers
Then came Charlotte and that wretched girl Dawn
Ugly Myfanwy died on delivery
Mercifully taking her mother along
Alright, alright, alright
What can one do when one is widower
Shamefully saddled with three little pests
All that I wanted was the freedom of a new life
So my burden I began to divest
Alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright
Charlotte I buried after feeding her foxglove
Dawn was easy, she was drowned in the bath
Isaiah fought but was easily bested
Burned his body for incurring my wrath
Alright, alright, alright
And that's how I came your humble narrator
To be living so easy and free
Expect you think that I should be haunted
But it never really bothers me
Alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright
Current music: decemberists
Monday, March 16, 2009
3:08PM - cougar, meow
so the guy i've been crushing on this week... is 19yrs old. why are they all so young?!?! fuck it, i'll just be a cougar. well for him at least. he's just too hot to pass up. and john meller is 20. ughhhhhhh.
Friday, March 13, 2009
12:09AM - if only i could...
in japan, women aren't allowed to make sushi bc they are said to have warm hands and heat makes sushi go bad. my hands are always cold though, in the summer and in the winter especially. but i can't make sushi, nor do i think i'd have the patience to cut things that small unless i had a chopper that cuts finely.
so a few days ago i went to Sao Paulo's which is this awesome Brazilian restaurant and my girlfriends and i noticed this really cute waiter, except that i realized that he kinda looked like a particular ex of mine. whatevs he doesn't always have to rain on my parade. he was really scrawny with nerd glasses and tight pants, emo/indie type.
anyway today i had sxsw shwag assembly and he was totally there!!! i even talked to him! he seems really shy, which i love. I dunno I'm gonna see if I can talk to him again if I ever see him hanging around the convention center.
John was there too!!! and I also talked to him. He's this guy who I met last year at the festival and I thought was totally adorable. He's part of the Music Entertainment Committee on campus and was in charge of getting Demetri Martin to come perform last Tuesday which I missed because apparently 45 min before the show isn't enough time to guarantee you a seat. I wanted to cry so bad. Anyway from henceforth I'm referring to him in my DJ as Meller bc i hate the name John. He remembered who i was and that totally made my day.
these crushes are so fantastical, it's pretty stupid. i haven't really had crushes in a while though so i'm gonna crush away. oh and scotty should be back tomorrow except i most likely wont have time to see him during the week. i'm not sure if i really care though.
-----------
random: i had this dream that I was going to Germany for some business things but on the way i was supposed to have a one day layover in Mumbai, that would be kinda awesome if it had been real.
Current mood: crushing like a school girl
Thursday, March 12, 2009
12:57AM - trying to be a good girl in such a bad world
i'm such a hypocrite because I'll complain about how Watchmen objectifies women (the main female character is seen having sex more than she's fighting bad guys- and she does so in a leotard, stockings, and heels) but I'll try pretty damn hard to get into south by's Playboy party.
Current mood: fuck this weather
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
1:58AM
I'm living through nervous times. I had my Peace Corps interview one week ago and I'm waiting to hear back from them telling me if I'm in or out. It was a 2 and a half hour interview and it went exactly as I expected. I think I suck at interviews, but a lot of his questions were hard to answer. It was things like what is it about yourself that gives you an edge in learning a new and unfamiliar language? How is someone supposed to answer that without sounding like they're full of themselves? Then there was the question about how I would be able to complete tasks in an unstructured environment? It took me a few minutes to come up with an answer to that one. Most of the time I felt he had to pry answers out of me. I swear I come out of every interview feeling like a dumbass. I feel that he's not really judging me on my interviewing abilities though. In fact he transposed all my answers to send it to the Peace Corps team in Dallas who will then give me my verdict. It's really nerve racking b/c it's gonna end in either two unsettling ways:
1) denial- where i'll then feel shitty and depressed and for years attempt to analyze what I did wrong. I might try to apply again but most likely feel embarrassed for being denied since I've told everyone and their mom that I applied and they'll all want to know if I'm in yet. Then I'll be sucked into the real life for sure where I have this stupid theater job that's going no where and I'll have no idea what to do next.
or
2) nomination-where i'll be ecstatic yet insanely nervous wondering what will happen next.
It's gonna be really sad if they deny me because I already had some bad news this week. I somehow recovered and spun the situation around so now things are good again, but man it would be awful if Peace Corps gave me more bad news.
Current mood: nervous
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